Snake Wranglin

It was a group effort today at the Weaver household. Ruckus and Mayhem spotted another snake, kind of a small fry, but nonetheless, a threat. They corralled it into the pool and then started with the alert bark. I secured them in the house and then called The Executioner at his day job to plan my next course of action. I have watched Chris kill many a snake with his various tools and it’s a little frightening to watch. Once when our friends Jen and Eric were in town, they stood watching inside our sliding glass doors as Chris chased a snake out of a banana plant and hacked it to death with his machete. All the while, I stood on top of a planter shouting “Get it, get it!”. I can still see the look on their faces. Shock, horror, confusion, “Who are these people?” He cleaned off the machete, changed, and we headed to a wedding.
I never knew that young everyday suburban Americans could own and actually have uses for a machete, but Chris has taught me otherwise. We have a few hidden around for yard work and protection. I feel sorry for whatever dummy attempts to catch us off guard or break into our home. They’ll likely be met by a man wearing short shorts donning an unsheathed 2 foot blade.
Unfortunately for the snake, The Executioner was not on the premises, so it would not enjoy a fast death. The Executioner’s Wife was not as skillful or fearless, so torture and a slow death seemed it’s more likely fate. After being instructed by Chris to get the rake, shovel, and machete, I knew I was a little out of my league. He told me to scoop the snake out of the pool with the rake, pin him down with the shovel, and then chop his head off with the machete. Call him back when it’s done. OK. I lined up my tools on the lawn. Should I take the shovel with me while I scoop him out with the rake? That was too awkward. Maybe I’ll take the machete and leave the shovel on the grass. What if the machete is not long enough and when he drops off the rake, I don’t have time to get the shovel and he escapes? What if when I go to hack him with the machete, he lunges at me and bites me? These are the questions I am pondering as the snake swirls around in my swimming pool, mocking me.

It’s go time. I stick the machete in the ground handle up, ready for action. I take the rake and the shovel to the pools edge. I tried to get the snake caught on the rake, but this little guy wasn’t having it and he dove down to the bottom of the pool. Sorry Chris, your plan must be flawed. That’s when I formed my own plan. Here’s how it played out. I got the pool net and scooped the snake out from the depths of the deep end. Holding it over the pool, I watched as the water drained out and waited to see if he would be able to slither out. Carrying the net to the grass, I set it down with it folded over so that he couldn’t come out until I was ready for him. Then I took the shovel and pressed it down HARD on the snake through the net. This seemed to make it mad, but didn’t really seem to be killing him. While I was smushing him with the shovel, through the net, I took the machete in my other hand and started hitting his head with it, (not a technique that I would recommend.) I was being too gentle, so as not to tear the net.. He was still alive and kicking when I decided to prop him up against the fence and let him sweat it out for a bit.

Clearly I’m not a skilled killer, but I noticed that there were several workman down the street pumping sewage and thought there was a good chance that one of them might be. I walked down the street and asked a man who doesn’t smile, if he would come over and kill a snake that I had captured. He said he would in a few minutes so I returned home and waited for this unfriendly, but seemingly willing stranger to come over and kill this pathetic little snake.

When he and his buddy came over, I handed him the machete and gave him a look which tried to convey “Please use this machete to kill ONLY the snake.” He waved it away...he had brought a saw. I’ve never seen a snake being sawed in half so this puzzled me a little. I directed him to the holding cell and watched as he tried to saw the snake while still in the pool net. I politely asked, “Please try not to rip the net.” His friend agreed and called the guy stupid. (I wasn’t going to say it.) The snake slipped out of the net and the guy stepped on it with his work boot… and then tried sawing it again. I handed him the machete, “Here try this.” After several weak blows, the snake seemed to have given up and died. The fear I originally had about inviting these potential killers into my backyard passed away with it.
I learned some valuable lessons today.

1.) Snakes can hold their breath under water.

2.) Snakes can’t be smushed to death

3.) Just because a man looks like he would kill, doesn’t mean he knows how.